Baa-aa-aa!

[handslive]

Okay, so I'm following like the sheep I am. I doubt there are any surprises in here.

[Updated]: I've made it public. What the hell.

• 001
  One of my earliest memories is of my parents and I in a swimming pool at a hotel and my father's wristwatch (water resistant) stopped working. I think I was 3.
• 002
  I learned to read in kindergarten. Everyone in my class did. I learned later that this was unusual, but apparently no one told us.
• 003
  Our kindergarten teacher required all her students to be in bed by 8pm. She made the parents agree to this. My mother liked the idea so much that I was still being told to go to bed at 8pm when I was 15. Not that I necessarily went to sleep.
• 004
  Because I could read and was generally an obnoxious student in grade one, the teacher asked to have me removed from class during specific sections until everyone else was closer to the same reading level I was at. They put me with the "special ed" kids for lack of any place better and I learned my multiplication tables up to 12 before they brought me back into the regular classes.
• 005
  We moved to my dad's quarter section when I was six. The road was so bad that the school bus driver refused to come up to the house (3/4 of a mile) unless the road was dry or frozen.
• 006
  Several times I went to meet the bus on the back of a John Deere tractor (the kind with the very high thin back tires).
• 007
  And once I rode with my mother on horseback.
• 008
  We didn't have running water, electricity, or natural gas at the farm when we first moved there. Some people thought this was barbaric, but it takes time to get these things installed.
• 009
  The first pictures I saw of people having sex were in a copy of "The Joy of Sex" that my uncle lent my parents. This is what happens when you give your kids chores like "vacuum the whole trailer" and it includes the master bedroom where you're stashing your porn.
• 010
  I had the red measles (that's right, the variant they vaccinate all little kids for) in grade 2. I caught pneumonia at the same time and it gave me a rash that covered most of my body. I was hospitalized with a high fever and remember practically nothing of my stay there. I missed the chance of playing Santa Claus in the class play. Apparently the doctors couldn't tell what I had (they dismissed the notion of "red measles" because I'd been vaccinated), so they kept me in isolation.
• 011
  I became near-sighted between grades 2 and 3. My mother blames my hospital stay because they let me watch television (apparently undue eye strain during a fever can cause deformation of the lens -- she got this idea from our family doctor). I don't remember seeing any television, but then I was sick with a fever.
• 012
  In grade 3 a close friend, roughly my own age, died after a prolonged hospital stay. This messed me up a bit and I ended up seeing the school psychologist a few times. His name was Dr. Payne. I kid you not.
• 013
  From a very young age, I used to denigrate myself to others in public. I know this is a defense mechanism because I remember very consciously choosing to do so.
• 014
  I've been confirmed in the Lutheran Church, Missouri Synod. I wonder sometimes if this makes me an apostate now.
• 015
  When I was studying for my confirmation (ages 13 and 14), I was very seriously considering entering the ministry.
• 016
  I wonder sometimes what my life would have been like if I had.
• 017
  I didn't have a girlfriend until grade 12.
• 018
  I wouldn't have had one then if a mutual acquaintance hadn't pushed us together.
• 019
  And it was a mistake.
• 020
  I had crushes on a quite a few different women in high school and got burned on every single one of them. I have an inherent distrust of Disney chemicals as a result. Having spontaneous feelings of affection for someone after just meeting them raises warning flags and may make me behave in a distant and cool manner towards them.
• 021
  I flirted with PJT before we started seeing each other in part because she wasn't the woman I had a crush on at the moment.
• 022
  The woman I actually had the crush on was her best friend.
• 023
  And it worked out perfectly which only reinforces my original suspicions.
• 024
  I agreed to join the high school drama club because my seat mate on the school bus didn't want to join by himself and he was sure he'd be able to pick up chicks that way. (But it didn't work out for him.)
• 025
  My first real close friend was introduced to me by my seat mate during acting try outs. Within 5 minutes we were talking like we'd known each other for years. Until then, I hadn't really understood what the term "best friend" meant. Almost all of my close friendships have started that quickly.
• 026
  I credit masturbation with getting me through high school without going completely insane. I wonder how many guys feel the same way.
• 027
  This was also one of the sources of my first and only crisis of faith. I felt it was a sin, but I didn't feel I could repent.
• 028
  I was an atheist by grade 12, but hadn't started calling myself that until university.
• 029
  It still bothers me that I took communion when I didn't believe.
• 030
  I used to wonder if I had kinky sexual tastes.
• 031
  I watched a guy take 3 lashes of a wet tea towel across the legs (producing raised welts) and knew that I didn't.
• 032
  I like being nude. I don't mind other people being nude either. If I'm uncomfortable, it's because other people are uncomfortable or because I think they are. See the loop there?
• 033
  I like all the light we get in the house because of all the windows, but I miss being nude at home.
• 034
  I haven't kissed anyone in passion except PJT since 1987.
• 035
  But I still think of myself as poly. ??
• 036
  If you think I don't like you, remember that I'm also fucking oblivious.
• 037
  My mother gave me a lecture once about properly greeting relatives or friends when I see them in public. This was prompted by a cousin of mine telling someone else (who told someone else, etc.) that he didn't feel he could approach me when he saw me on campus at the UofA because I was so aloof. I later learned he's like 20 years older than me and I was an undergrad at the time. Huh?
• 038
  My mother also gave me a lecture once about how all homosexuals are actually insane. This was before I'd actually had a girlfriend, so maybe she was just worried about me. I'm the only one of my siblings to get this lecture. I already strongly disagreed with her, but didn't feel I could say anything.
• 039
  I've been involved in two motor vehicle accidents. Both of them were my fault. Only one of them is on my driving record.
• 040
  I've been fingerprinted and I've filled out application forms to have a security background check going back 10 years done in order to work on "Confidential" or possibly "Restricted" work being done for the Canadian government or their contractors. The company I worked for did this with all employees in case they needed someone moved to a sensitive project quickly. To the best of my knowledge, the application was never acted on. But I've always assumed my fingerprints were on file somewhere anyway.
• 041
  A friend of mine admitted to me that he was an acoholic when we were in grade 11. He said he first tasted alcohol when he was just a kid and knew right away he was in trouble.
• 042
  I rolled him on his side one night when we were sharing a room because he was vomitting in his sleep.
• 043
  I've trained in the martial arts since 1985 and I haven't had to use it for defense since I started.
• 044
  When people ask me how I've used aikido in real life, I tell them about the time I got drunk and fell down the stairs. Or the time I slipped on the ice in the parking lot.
• 045
  In my first year of karate, we were told to run around the Quadrangle on campus in our bare feet in December and I refused (along with 5 other people).
• 046
  Seven years later, I was in a class where we were told to run around the Faculte Ste. Jean in early February. The snow was much deeper, crusted, and it was colder out, but I didn't even hesitate to go outside and do it.
• 047
  I don't know what changed during those seven years. But training had something to do with it.
• 048
  None of the fundamental skills I've picked up from training were the ones I wanted or expected to get.
• 049
  I used to walk through crowds at the mall seeing nothing but targets. Now I walk through the crowds and see complex, swirling patterns. Either way, it's an effort to see people.
• 050
  In a lot of ways I still think of myself as the awkward, skinny, unattractive teenager my peers assured me I was.
• 051
  I have a burning need to demonstrate my intelligence and competence. I sometimes get very angry with myself and easily embarassed when I feel I've fallen short using either one.
• 052
  I think PJT's learned to ignore me cursing to myself in the mornings as I bump into walls and doorframes and drop stuff. I hope she knows that it's just my measuring stick talking.
• 053
  I don't think I'm particularly clever. Deep down I've always believed that anyone could do what I'm doing. Sometimes this makes me unintentionally condescending and sometimes it makes me believe more in people than they do in themselves.
• 054
  I'm not completely bowled over by other people's creative pursuits. I've had ones of my own since grade 3.
• 055
  It bothers me if other people are bowled over by mine, which also explains my reaction.
• 056
  That doesn't mean I'm not impressed.
• 057
  Shortly after PJT and I got together, I spent probably a week distracted by the sudden realization that *all* the people around me were fundamentally naked first and clothed afterwards.
• 058
  And I spent about a month wondering what every person I saw would look like during orgasm.
• 059
  I'm actually a very cuddly person, but I need explicit permission. I'm sorry, but holding out your arms isn't enough.
• 060
  I think this attitude is a multilevel trust issue for me. I don't trust you not to react in a negative way and I don't trust myself to have read all the signals right. I'm not sure how to offer trust to others or how to receive it.
• 061
  You might not believe it, but I found this out during aikido.
• 062
  I would like to be multilingual, but it's hard to see how I might do this when I wouldn't have any excuse to use any language but english 99% of the time.
• 063
  I've been plagued by the desire since my fourth year of university to write my own APL interpreter just because I think it's a funky programming language (and it's complete gibberish to anyone who isn't familiar with it -- even other programmers). Designing the font and finding out what the correct keyboard layout was have kept me from actually doing it.
• 064
  I think I freak people out. Sometimes I think I know why and it bothers me and other times I don't have any idea.
• 065
  An acquaintance in high school told me once that her boyfriend thought I was an asshole. I still wonder if he's right or not.
• 066
  I was in psychology for a year because my GPA was too low to stay in computing science.
• 067
  I took an abnormal psychology course in my fourth year as an option because I was curious and I had the prereqs. The prof was cool but it wasn't particularly informative. The entire course appeared to be about classification. We know so little that you can't do much more than that.
• 068
  In the discussion of obsessive compulsive behaviour, we were told that a common sign involves people rationalizing their compulsion by saying, "Now I know this sounds crazy, but..." Since then, I sometimes self-monitor by asking myself if the obsession driving the behaviour is crazy or not. This includes the tendency to self-monitor, which I still think is reasonable.
• 069
  My biggest fear in martial arts practice is that people will think I'm a brute.
• 070
  My second biggest fear is that the teacher will think I'm a poor student. Actually that crosses boundaries into every course I've ever taken.
• 071
  If a classroom course is boring or no one is interacting with the instructor, I'll often take positions I don't agree with in order to get things rolling. But I worry that the instructor won't understand why I'm doing it.
• 072
  I'm not really a non-conformist. It's just that the conformists keep forgetting to include me in their distribution lists of things to do. If you watch closely, I'm conforming to whatever group I'm in.
• 073
  I failed my writing competency test (required for entrance to the UofA when I was an undergrad) 2 times before finally passing it. I wasn't the only student with an honors grade on the provincial English exam to fail either. I'm still bitter about it.
• 074
  I think my conversational skills are actually quite shallow. I'll move to whatever depth other people are at, but I can't lead the way.
• 075
  I taught myself to raise one eyebrow by standing in front of a mirror and holding the other eyebrow down while trying to raise them both. Although I can raise either one now, the left still feels more natural to me (I was holding down the right side).
• 076
  For a year or two in elementary school, I didn't know what "circumcision" meant (I think I knew intellectually, but I was failing to apply it to comparative anatomy). None of the other boys in swimming had a foreskin, so I was the guy with the weird dick.
• 077
  Keeping secrets stresses me out. Sometimes I'd rather go straight to a confrontation than keep a secret.
• 078
  I went through a phase of lying almost compulsively, but I still wasn't any good at it.
• 079
  When I was about 4 or 5, I used to run around in blue sweatpants, a blue t-shirt, rubber boots, and a purple cape made out of an old terrycloth towel.
• 080
  I learned to tie the cape around my neck before I learned to tie my shoes. Learning to tie my shoes involved an adult pointing out that it was the same.
• 081
  I've always found it easy to approach horses. I think it's because they know I have no inclination to ride them.
• 082
  I had seen and understood more about the reproductive cycle of horses than of humans by the time I was 12. Which has always made me wonder why it was such a big deal in some respects.
• 083
  The first time any acquaintances in high school invited me out to the bar for beer, I was the only one at the table who was 18 when we got carded.
• 084
  My parents are 11 years apart. He was 29 and she was 18 when they got married. They started going out when she was 14 and he was 25.
• 085
  Their love baffles me. I don't think I'd have the courage. Or the arrogance, I guess, depending on how you look at it.
• 086
  In spite of the amount of cursing I heard from my father over various pieces of farm equipment, I didn't realize he knew the word 'fuck' until I was in high school.
• 087
  I broke my arm when I was six, a month or two before the start of school.
• 088
  I broke it falling off the back of a bale wagon when it went over a bump. I was hanging over the back looking down to watch the wheels go around.
• 089
  I've owned a computer of one kind or another since, uh, I think 1983. It was a TI-99/4a.
• 090
  I was a Boy Scout once. For about 3 years. I wasn't any good at it.
• 091
  Familiarity with knot-tying diagrams allowed me to teach myself to tie both the Full-Windor and the Half-Windsor while standing in line in the Men's department at The Bay. Easy since I already knew how to tie a 4-in-Hand. I didn't have a tie with me at the time, but I've used them both in preference to the 4-in-Hand ever since.
• 092
  I've been tying my own tie since I was eight.
• 093
  I also learned to tie a hangman's noose by reverse engineering one I found in the woods. True story.
• 094
  I believe that good heroic stories are essentially about striving for skilled execution of a task. I feel cheated if the good guys win by accident. A lot of movies use random bad luck to remove bad guys who are simply too tough. (Falling from a small height onto a pointy object, getting hit by a train, etc.)
• 095
  I used to practice my morning ritual with my eyes closed to see if I could do it blind. This is why I often fold my clothes and put them in the same spot each time.
• 096
  If I'm in the shower longer than 15 minutes, it means I'm soaking in the hot spray. Mmmmmm.
• 097
  The only way I can reduce my shower time to less than 15 minutes is by giving up certain tasks. Like hair washing for instance.
• 098
  Before I started shaving, my dad used to tease me about my facial hair. I responded one day by simply getting up from breakfast, going into the washroom, and proceeding to shave using his razor. He came in to supervise part way through, but I could tell he was surprised (a) that I would simply decide and then carry through with it like that, and (b) that I had already thought about the technique thoroughly enough that he didn't really need to assist me.
• 099
  I had a moustache in high school. But it was really wimpy looking.
• 100
  I had a rat-tail (remember those?) for about a year. I cut it off on a dare and stuck it to the TV set in the floor lounge in residence.

Comments

[purpletigron.livejournal.com]

No surprises? Oh, brother :-)

And I'm fascinated... now I feel like I'm holding out by not doing my list... I will do it, some time soon, promise.

[purpletigron.livejournal.com]

001 I remember being thrown in a swimming pool at a holiday camp when I was about 6.
002 I don't remember learning to read.
003 I used to go to bed around 8 pm into my late teens, and read until... whenever :-)
004 We didn't have a `gifted' class, either.
006 Oh! Similar vintage to the Fergi that killed John Archer?
007 Kewl!
008 We had a septic tank when I was small.
009 Likewise.
011 I became near-sighted around age 11, alledgedly because I read under the bedcovers with a lamp.
012 Eek.
013 I adopted this mechanism around age 9. I remember deciding that I wasn't going to be scared any more.
014 I was confirmed in the Church of England aged 18, so I'm a Protestant atheist.
020 Of all the people that I met when I started college, I realised within a few weeks that I liked D & G by far the best of all the men.
025 My best friends are D, G and my mother.
026 OK, this is a new fact for most of you: the time in my life when I have masturbated the most was during my mid-teen years, in the run up to my `O'-level exams.
027 I never thought of it as a sin, despite being fascinated by Christian ethics at the time.
028 I've still not definitely decided that I'm an `atheist' - it's like being `a-plaid-penguin'.
029 I stopped taking it when I stopped believing it.
032 Yes.
033 We use the curtains to get around this one.
035 I see no contradiction :-)
038 Mothers worry. I contradict mine.
049 G sees targets. I see patterns. But I also see people.
050 Oh. Well. You're not, if you ever were.
051 I have weaknesses in this area too.
052 Ow. ?
053 Common problem.
055 Sorry.
057 It is distracting, isn't it :-)
058 Uh-huh. I went through a similar phase.
059 How explicit do you need? Will this do?
061 I believe it.
062 This logic has lead me to study Latin.
064 You're certainly very ... striking.
065 Nope.
066 From a UK perspective, that's a great opporunity.
067 Ah, well.
068 What is `crazy'?
069 Is there a time to cause pain for its own sake?
070 That in itself is enough.
071 A good instructor will understand.
072 I am a non-conformist chameleon
073 What is that?
074 That is subtle.
076 :-)
077 I had to learn to keep secrets from a very young age. But I prefer not to.
078 I had to learn to ... dissemble, too.
080 :-)
082 People are a problem.
083 Heh.
085 Hmm, yes.
086 My mother managed the same trick.
088 I was never allowed to climb on a moving baleing wagon.
089 Our first computer was a ZX-81, which I was allowed to use although it belonged to my stepfather. I've been regularly using email since 1988.
091 I strongly prefer Full Windsor.
093 Eek.
094 Indeed.
096 Am I allowed that image? :-)
098 High spatial intelligence?
100 Who killed that rat? :-)

[handslive.livejournal.com]

006 Oh! Similar vintage to the Fergi that killed John Archer?
It looked kind of like this (http://www.retiredtractors.com/jpg/Lateb.jpg).

027 I never thought of it as a sin, despite being fascinated by Christian ethics at the time.
We were told explicitly during confirmation study that it usually involved covetousness and could lead to adultery, so it was generally considered sinful. Our minister didn't come out in open opposition to it, but I was quite the little literalist at the time.

029 I stopped taking it when I stopped believing it.
Our average attendance at service was around 20 (it was a very small parish, shared with a larger parish nearby). My mother played the organ at the front of the church, so we were very visible. I didn't see anyway to refuse communion without producing comment among the other members. If I had felt I was going to be returning to their faith, then I think I would have found it easier to say I couldn't right now, knowing I would be able to later. Instead, I simply lied to myself about it.

055 Sorry.
Perhaps "bowled over" needs some explanation. I mean a sort of fawning "oh, I could never do that" kind of response. I don't think I could point to anyone in my current circle who does that, certainly not to the degree I'm thinking of here.

064 You're certainly very ... striking.
Uh...I'd ask for an explanation, but what would I get in that way? I'm also being somewhat obfuscatory in my comment on this point because there are parts of myself (as I think there are in most people) that are disturbing to me and I'm occasionally afraid they show more than I think they do.

065 Nope.
Certainly, I may not appear to be a real jerk with members of my circle. But what does it look like to outsiders? This has been a concern at work as much as anything.

066 From a UK perspective, that's a great opporunity.
In what way? Is having some psych background considered a good thing? Or is this a pun on GPA?

068 What is `crazy'?
From the abnormal psych course, 'crazy' is technically behaviour outside the normal for a particular society or culture. Some behaviour is so context sensititve as to appear crazy in one setting but rational in another. If I have to preface my rationalization with a disclaimer, then I can be concerned that it's not really rational.

073 What is that?
The writing competency exam was a single essay question (pick one of four topics) written in a two hour period. The test was intended to determine if the students entering university had a sufficient of grasp of grammer, spelling, and structure to be able to handle written assignments. Note that the exam was explicitly not to be graded on content, only grammer, spelling, and structure. However, it's hard to objectively grade structure without examining content to some extent.

096 Am I allowed that image? :-)
No, it's copyrighted. The thought police will be calling on you shortly.

098 High spatial intelligence?
Shaving with a safety razor is actually only a little different than combing hair in its basic principles. The important things I had already determined from watching my father: use a good lather, keep the blade hot and clean. I actually did better my first time than for several years afterwards because I was being appropriately cautious with the blade. Once I became accustomed to the task, it was easy to cut myself.

[purpletigron.livejournal.com]

(OK, this is short enough again for the Web client to handle it gracefully :-)

006 It looked kind of like this.

Interestingly space wheels. And a good deal newer than the Archer's Fergie.

027 We were told explicitly <...> it was generally considered sinful.

I studied for confirmation at the age of about 16, and masturbation wasn't mentioned. It was, however, also a mixed Church of England class, and everyone knows that Church of England vicars are very diffident - and that girls can't masturbate...

029 My mother played the organ ...

OK, that would make it harder. My family aren't church-goers now, so I felt able to make my own decisions - to go, and then to stop going - without it reflecting on them. They were more upset about me actually choosing to attend church on my own - you could think of it as teenage rebellion. They forbade me from going to a Quaker meeting when I was about that age, which in retrospect, I wish I had insisted upon for information purposes at the least.

055 I mean a sort of fawning "oh, I could never do that" kind of response.

Ah, OK - that's not quite what I thought you were saying. A sort of faux-adulation?

064 Uh...I'd ask for an explanation, but what would I get in that way?

I'm happy to explain as well as I am able :-)
Even on first meeting, you make a strong enough impression that some people are bound to find you overwhelming, through no real fault of your own.

065 This has been a concern at work as much as anything.

In some circumstances, some people will be taken for jerks. As the great poet said, "I'd rather be mistaken for a jerk by a bigot, than as a bigot by a lesbian." Or something...

066 In what way?

Oh, nothing so subtle. I just meant, that in UK universities it is often very hard to study for credit any topic outside the subject which you are studying. For example, I studied physics for three years as an undergraduate. All physics, all the time - well, apart from the maths. There simply wasn't the option of getting credit for studying a language, or bioscience course, or psychology. If you failed a year, you got to resit in the summer, or the autumn, or take a year out, until you could get back to your course or get thrown out.

068 'crazy' (was) technically behaviour outside the normal for a particular society or culture.

I am crazy, then. I have so little regard for social and cultural norms that I unconsciously wander all over the place relative to them. That has nothing to do with my rationality or lack of it - but then, one can indeed be lucidly and rationally crazy.

If I have to preface my rationalization with a disclaimer, then I can be concerned that it's not really rational.

Maybe. To me, it seems primarily to be a recognition that your audience may not understand the rationale behind your thinking. It need say nothing about your rationality.

073 The writing competency exam

Most examiners are insufficiently aware of their own bias and subjectivity.

096 No, it's copyrighted. The thought police will be calling on you shortly.

So, you beam the image to my brain, and then have me nicked for thinking it? Sweet :-)

098 I actually did better my first time than for several years afterward because I was being appropriately cautious with the blade.

A cautionary tale for us all :-)