Oh, I've been working on the Internet...
Jun. 12th, 2002 06:34 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
handsliveSo, I've been up since 4:45 am. Lovely. And I'm posting because (a) I haven't for a while, and (b) because there doesn't seem to be much point in going back to bed for 15 minutes. :-)
Work has been...bizarre, I guess. We've been told repeatedly that there's lots of working coming our way, but none of it has materialized. We've also been told that there's a re-org in the works (before the end of summer). It feels like things are in suspension, just waiting. The current project will probably be over by the 20th, except for on-going support (the kind of thing I was doing this morning for instance), but after that?
There's concern from a few of the others in what I still think of as the "core" team, the people I started with and worked on web app-dev stuff with, that we'll end up working for the people we were running away from back in November. A few people have talked about working elsewhere if that happens. I have to admit, the thought crossed my mind, too.
Not that I'd be leaving the company, necessarily. The last few months have opened my eyes to some other possibilities internally. Things have changed sufficiently in the ISP shop that I might be able to go over there again. It would put me back on the sysadmin side (and I thought I was recovered, ha!) and maybe give me an excuse to use this stupid security certification for real.
From what I've seen so far, the web development side of things where I'm currently at is not substantially different from what I was doing before November, just more politically noticeable. And that doesn't appear to be an advantage. I think I'm going to have to see what falls out here over the summer. I'd been hoping this would lead to some external work. Even if it only leads to internal work, I'll need to see how they treat it. There was talk that any new project work would be just like the last project (i.e. nothing, nothing, nothing, then aargh! no vacation! WORK WORK WORK). I'd have things to say about that.
On the aikido side of things, work still interferes with making it to training regularly. I'm developing some dissatisfaction with where my practice is going as a result. I think this would have happened anyway. A sort of post-shodan test blues, but very delayed. In part because they really only gave me the skirt back in September and I haven't had to deal with it seriously until recently.
I'm definitely getting the feeling that E is shutting me out. Might just be me. I know the level of approval I feel from my instructors is tied closely to how often they pick me for ukemi and why. I'd been wondering if he would call me up at all for ukemi during the demonstration last weekend. I thought the odds were good at least during the randori at the end. But there were enough sufficiently high-ranked folks that I guess he didn't really need to. He called up three people and that's about the limit for safety given his knees and the small space.
Still, I've had a strong feeling that he really disapproves of where I'm at or how I'm practicing. But then, I disapprove too, so where does that get me? My concern is that he's still pissed because K graded me and never talked to him about it. Not that he'd have had much to say since I haven't practiced with him regularly for quite a while now (most of 2 years?). And maybe it's just that last point that's producing this feeling of distance. If I could just commit to coming out every Saturday (or most) over the summer, maybe things would smooth out.
I don't know. And things feel tense anyway because the whole grading thing is still unresolved. Not high tension, just background irritation for me really. I hate to pressure B about it because this has been kind of hard on him (he so often takes the part of mediator in these things) and I haven't seen G to talk to since April. What with it being summer, I don't even know if G's been out lately. Maybe he's hiding and waiting to see how everything turns out. :-)
Ah, well. Time to make like I have a job.
Work has been...bizarre, I guess. We've been told repeatedly that there's lots of working coming our way, but none of it has materialized. We've also been told that there's a re-org in the works (before the end of summer). It feels like things are in suspension, just waiting. The current project will probably be over by the 20th, except for on-going support (the kind of thing I was doing this morning for instance), but after that?
There's concern from a few of the others in what I still think of as the "core" team, the people I started with and worked on web app-dev stuff with, that we'll end up working for the people we were running away from back in November. A few people have talked about working elsewhere if that happens. I have to admit, the thought crossed my mind, too.
Not that I'd be leaving the company, necessarily. The last few months have opened my eyes to some other possibilities internally. Things have changed sufficiently in the ISP shop that I might be able to go over there again. It would put me back on the sysadmin side (and I thought I was recovered, ha!) and maybe give me an excuse to use this stupid security certification for real.
From what I've seen so far, the web development side of things where I'm currently at is not substantially different from what I was doing before November, just more politically noticeable. And that doesn't appear to be an advantage. I think I'm going to have to see what falls out here over the summer. I'd been hoping this would lead to some external work. Even if it only leads to internal work, I'll need to see how they treat it. There was talk that any new project work would be just like the last project (i.e. nothing, nothing, nothing, then aargh! no vacation! WORK WORK WORK). I'd have things to say about that.
On the aikido side of things, work still interferes with making it to training regularly. I'm developing some dissatisfaction with where my practice is going as a result. I think this would have happened anyway. A sort of post-shodan test blues, but very delayed. In part because they really only gave me the skirt back in September and I haven't had to deal with it seriously until recently.
I'm definitely getting the feeling that E is shutting me out. Might just be me. I know the level of approval I feel from my instructors is tied closely to how often they pick me for ukemi and why. I'd been wondering if he would call me up at all for ukemi during the demonstration last weekend. I thought the odds were good at least during the randori at the end. But there were enough sufficiently high-ranked folks that I guess he didn't really need to. He called up three people and that's about the limit for safety given his knees and the small space.
Still, I've had a strong feeling that he really disapproves of where I'm at or how I'm practicing. But then, I disapprove too, so where does that get me? My concern is that he's still pissed because K graded me and never talked to him about it. Not that he'd have had much to say since I haven't practiced with him regularly for quite a while now (most of 2 years?). And maybe it's just that last point that's producing this feeling of distance. If I could just commit to coming out every Saturday (or most) over the summer, maybe things would smooth out.
I don't know. And things feel tense anyway because the whole grading thing is still unresolved. Not high tension, just background irritation for me really. I hate to pressure B about it because this has been kind of hard on him (he so often takes the part of mediator in these things) and I haven't seen G to talk to since April. What with it being summer, I don't even know if G's been out lately. Maybe he's hiding and waiting to see how everything turns out. :-)
Ah, well. Time to make like I have a job.
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no subject
Date: 2002-06-13 01:30 am (UTC)The level of demotivation that comes from having an insecure future seems to me to be massively underestimated. I wonder just how many people move jobs just so they can have a clear idea of what's going on?
I'd find the level of non-communication from your senseis to be very frustrating as well. If people are unhappy with me, I'd like them to say, not to just be grumpy and incommunicative, because then nothing can be sorted out.
But I guess that's not the traditional Japanese way :-(
Hope you manage to have a good weekend!